Stuck In A Rut
Ever felt stuck? Confused? Anxious? Trapped? I know I definitely have.
These past few months have been a constant battle for me. There were times where I literally had no motivation to do anything, I spent my days sleeping, I would sleep in till about 6pm, eat, shower, watch a show and then go right back to sleep and repeat the same process the following day. I literally had no energy to do anything else or to be involved in anything, plus the weather made it 10x worse! I would still hang out with friends every now and then but it took a lot to prepare my mind to just be around people, even the ones I care about.
Obviously, all these feelings didn’t just originate out of nowhere. I had a lot going on in my personal life and it took a complete toll on me. I’m finding it hard to completely express the way I felt but all I can say that would suffice is I did not feel like myself at all. I was different and I had friends reach out to me and tell me they were worried about me because they never used to hear from me and some would say that I was neglecting our friendships because I never reached out. On the inside, I was dying to reach out, dying to just find a way to let someone know how I was feeling but I completely suck at expressing myself to other people.
I hated the way I felt, everyday, but I did very little to change it which is where I fucked up. I completely abandoned my blog, the one thing that brought me joy and gave me a sense of fulfillment. I had no desire whatsoever to get in front of a camera, my confidence level was at an all time low. Even when I did try to get in front of the camera, I just didn’t get as excited. I filmed the TMI tag previously, I even went ahead to edit it. The video was ready to be published but I couldn’t get myself to post it because I lacked confidence.
My skin was at its worst, I would break out CONSTANTLY! I was uncomfortable and insecure with my appearance. It only kept getting worse, cause all the breakouts would leave scarring. I felt ugly. I stopped taking pictures because I hated the way I looked. I never really understood how things got to that point, but it did, and I let it. How did I go from taking pictures of every random thing, every other day, to taking pictures once or twice in four months. So, believe me when I tell you, I was not myself.
I felt like unplugging and taking a step back was very very necessary. I had to silence the noise and like I said in my TMI tag video, I just really needed to be able to hear my own thoughts, so I could process them properly.
Somewhere along the line, the weather started to change and things somehow just started looking up for me. The change in the weather was truly what made me change my mindset. I was sick and tired of feeling like crap and I just wanted to take back control of my life and I did just that, slowly but surely.
Eventually I had to accept myself completely, in all my glory. I started to appreciate what I saw in the mirror. I felt good without make up. I switched up my skin care routine which helped a lot with my breakouts. I still have my scars but they are fading gradually.
I got back to thinking about my blog and coming up with new ideas and it brought me so much joy. It also made me scared when I thought about executing them, but the fear wasn’t crippling. It was more like the fear of the unknown.
All in all, I started to feel like myself again and I knew I was ready to take on the world, scared and all. I just knew things were going to be different.
Writing this post wasn’t an easy task. Opening up myself to you guys was terrifying but I truly believe to be able to inspire, people have to relate to you and your story, so that means being vulnerable sometimes. I know someone needed to read this and I hope it helped whoever that was. Always remember, we all feel stuck at some point in our lives. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do and you’re definitely not alone. Take time off to recuperate, take all the time you need but be honest with yourself.
Like I usually say, spread love always! You truly never know what the next person is going through.
Be you. Do you. Stay true.